isang araw nanaman ako walang magawa at nagmuni muni at ito ang aking pinagkaabalahan ito ay opinyon ko lamang base sa aking mga naranasan…..
1. Love comes, not from the brain, but from the heart. It has no reason nor cause.
I’ve always believed that we can never choose the one to fall in love with, mainly because it is the heart that falls, and not the mind. Our brains can go on and tell us that we should love someone because of some reason unique to each one of us; however, we can never dictate what the heart should feel. In the end, it is the heart that decides whom to love – and there’s nothing that the brain can do about it.
Since the heart does not rely on rationality and logic, we cannot also completely isolate a single reason why we love someone. I find people who ask their partners why they are loved pointless and to some extent, silly. The answer is simple – my heart has found its match in you. We love someone just because. We don’t need to find an excuse why we love. Though it may be hard to grasp the concept, it just takes experience to know how it feels to love. We don’t need to be intelligent or to over-analyze things. We don’t even need to think at all. It’s an inexplicable feeling – much like an external invisible and all-powerful force that attracts you to someone.
This is also why setting standards when looking for someone to love doesn’t work. Admittedly, I still do – I still have a set of qualities for an ideal partner. And yet, I don’t think it would matter when I actually fall for someone. In fact, most people who set standards end up with partners very much different from what they had in mind. You cannot love wisely because loving doesn’t involve thinking. Thinking results in a conscious choice. But you cannot choose whom to fall in love with. The trick is to wait for the right time.
2. Love is always a surprise. It hits you at the most unexpected time, place, person and situation.
I have been in quite a few relationships before, and it’s really hard to go through a break-up. First, because of the more obvious reasons (on which I would expound later on) and second, because you’ve already gotten used to being with someone, especially if you’ve been together for some time. After my last break-up, I was such a disaster that I wanted to enter a new relationship, just to feel better. So I decided to look for love. However, my friends told me that one should not look for it. At first, I didn’t listen, but eventually, I realized that they were absolutely right. Love comes when you least expect it. The more you look for love, the more it hides from you. The heart would know when you’re already ready to fall. Most of the time, the people looking for love are those who are emotionally unstable and could not possibly handle a serious relationship. The worst part of it is that they fail to realize so. In addition, love comes at the weirdest situations. Love does not only come from online personal ads, blind dates set-up by friends, in school or the workplace. Although those mentioned might help, your someone might just be around the corner – next in line at the jeepney terminal or someone you met while in the elevator. The possibilities are endless. You can make yourself very much available to others, but not until the time is perfect and the right person for you is also available that what you want would transpire. So don’t waste your time on finding love; it will come to you with you sweating not a single drop.
And oh, this rule also applies to first-timers, too. One should not be too excited; it will come at the right place and at the right time, don’t worry.
3. Never love because of need but because of want.
This is one lesson I really believe in. As I’ve mentioned earlier, we need not have concrete reasons why we love someone. We don’t love because we need to love. We don’t love because we need to get something in exchange from someone. That wouldn’t be love – that would be using someone. We don’t love with underlying motives. That would mean manipulating people. We love because we want to love. We want to show our affection for someone. We do it out of our own free will. Everything we do in the name of love stems out from the desire to show our love to someone. Everything comes naturally. The message of the song “All We Need is Love” might hold true, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that we love because we need something.
So how come some people claim they can’t live without their significant others? Well, technically, it’s a different thing. They might need someone, but they don’t love them because they provide them with what they need. We love because we want someone, and would like to share our lives with that particular someone. In essence, we don’t need to share our lives, but because we want to, we do. When we love, we pursue our inner wants (but not in the negative sense). If you love because you need, then you are only after a relationship, and not after the person. You may be needing the feeling of loving and being in love; but ironically, entering a relationship is not the solution. You enter a relationship because you want the person, and not because you need to feel loved.
We don’t love because we need. We need someone because we love them. It’s the other way around.
4. Never assume, because it leaves room for disappointment.
Another thing I have learned from my past relationships is that one should never expect anything from anyone, especially on the getting-to-know phase. Relationships are doomed from the beginning whenever at least one of the two people involved expect something to happen even before anything takes place. If either one of them has the intention, even at the back of his or her mind, of establishing a romantic connection right away, he/she sets too much expectations and in some cases, pressures the partner into making things work out between the two of them. The connection, which is supposed to just magically form, is forced and forged.
In a relationship, however, it is also unwise to expect things from your partner. If you expect things that don’t happen, you become frustrated and might be prompted to start blaming your partner, which is so unfair because it’s not their fault that they could not live up to your expectations. It’s never safe to expect things from someone, however low you think they might be. First of all, it might be completely unattainable for your partner. You might be totally forgetting some of your partner’s weaknesses and limitations. Your expectations would make him/her feel pressured and he/she might feel taken for granted. More importantly, setting expectations would make your loved one feel that he/she isn’t enough. This would cause misunderstanding, and ultimately, the destruction of a perfectly good relationship.
Isn’t it more fulfilling to receive surprise treats rather than expect things which never come?
5. Love is never about playing it safe. It’s about risks.
You can never love without getting hurt – that is one of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned in the past few years. To love is to accept the verdict without bitterness, without regret, without a smidgen of a doubt. When you love, you will get hurt. Accept it as a fact. It’s part of the pain-pleasure phenomenon. Somewhere along the way, you will fall for someone who wouldn’t feel the same. Somewhere along the way, you will encounter some jerk who will break your heart. But you should never be afraid. In fact, these things should be the things which should keep you going. These things would hurt you and batter your heart. But these things are what matter – the nicks along the way are what make love special. Because it is through these obstacles that we learn to love truthfully and completely. And since the best teacher is experience, there is no better way to learn than to actually be hurt. The heartbreaks only make us stronger people.
You should be willing to take the risks if you want to fall in love. If you don’t take the risks, then it’s not loving at all. If you’re going to let one prick ruin everything, then you’re never going to be able to love again. You should be ready to give everything you are; you should be ready to invest your emotions and feelings with the risk of being left vulnerable. In order to do so, you need to trust people. It also follows that if you want to be loved, you have to earn the trust of your loved one. The very essence of loving is taking risks. That is why it is called falling in love.
Loving is worth the risk. If your love is true, then there’s nothing to worry about.
6. The perfect person doesn’t exist. There are only people perfect for each other.
This goes back to what I’ve said time and again about the setting of standards. Some people waste their time in finding the perfect person, all the while neglecting the people who are already there. There isn’t such a thing as a perfect person. If there was, everyone would definitely fall for that certain person. But then again, someone’s “perfect person” might not be “perfect” for another person. It is relative. Therefore, the perfect person does not exist. Everyone has his/her own faults and weaknesses. These make us unique in our own ways, and ultimately make us more lovable.
The second statement is based on the concept of compatibility. It really boils down to your own definition of “compatible”. Some people believe that opposites attract, while some believe that people who complement them are perfect for them. Personally, my gauge of compatibility is someone who could read my mind, and understand. Someone who could finish my sentences, but not necessarily agree with me. Regardless of what you think is perfect for you, the differences in our personalities – including our bad traits and habits – are the ones which determine who belongs with whom. Loving a perfect person would be too boring. It would be too easy. I would get tired of loving a perfect person more easily than I would if I were loving a stubborn person. The faults make the person more beautiful.
A perfect couple would be one where each one would complete the other. When the fingers fit snugly together. Both of them may not be perfect, but together, they are the perfect couple.
You will never meet someone who is perfect. You will just meet someone who is right for you.
7. There will always come a time that we have to stop loving someone, not because the person started hating us, but because we ran out of reasons to fight for what we feel inside.
Like what I’ve said earlier, there will come a time that you would fall for someone who wouldn’t feel the same for you. In that case, you could either fight for your love or surrender. When does one know when to stop? When it doesn’t feel right anymore. Loving someone is a wonderful feeling, and once it becomes more of a bad than a good thing, it is better to stop. If continuing to love someone would threaten the very foundation of your relationship, then it is wise to give up. There would come a time that it is best to settle for something that is already there, than to end up having nothing at all. It doesn’t mean, however, that the one you love just started hating you, or you started hating him/her. It is just being practical. It might even be a subliminal message from your heart telling you that you are not meant to be.
Take note that the latter part of the statement doesn’t contradict lesson # 1, because reasons for fighting for what we feel is not the same as reasons for what we are feeling. Running out of reasons for fighting for what we feel means that it is just not right anymore to continue loving the person, precisely because you ran out of reasons. For example, if the one you love is already happy with someone else, it kills all the reasons why you have to fight for him/her in the first place. You can never say that he/she would be happier with you – it just doesn’t follow. Remember, you might not be the right one for that someone. Would you rather see him/her with you and unhappy, or with someone else but having his/her dreams fulfilled? You be the judge.
8. Keep a piece of your heart for yourself.
We always hear people bragging about giving everything to the one they love. More often than not, we also hear people fresh from a break-up who wish they hadn’t given their all. So what should one do? For me, this statement has several implications. It may mean that we shouldn’t give 100% of our love to someone. But wouldn’t that be selfish? The essence of love lies in the willingness to be vulnerable, to share yourself wholly to your partner. This stresses the importance of trust in a relationship. Trust is a major factor which gives the relationship strength and resilience. You wouldn’t invest everything you have – your feelings, thoughts and deepest emotions – on a person whom you don’t trust, as you would hesitate to invest your time and money on a business venture you don’t believe would prosper. I think it is unfair not to give all your love to someone. It’s as if you’re anticipating that eventually, you’d break up. I don’t think that is love. If you’re sure about someone, giving everything would come naturally, without regret.
So what does this statement imply? My personal understanding of this statement is that you should first learn to love yourself first, before you can love others. You should know yourself, understand yourself and keep that perception of yourself in your mind. In that way, you would know when you are already being manipulated, or being transformed into someone you really aren’t. It is unhealthy to change for someone you love (or anyone, for that matter) because first of all, it would mean that you aren’t loved for who you are. However, if you believe that the change would later on transform you into a better individual, then do it. That is the importance of knowing yourself, and what is good (and bad) for you. So keep that piece of your heart in your heart.
9. When love fails, cry but know when to stop. Pick yourself up and move on.
This statement brings us back to the reality of break-ups. It is very rare that a person would end up with his/her first love. It is therefore necessary to always be emotionally ready for a break up (although expecting one wouldn’t be such a good idea either). When love fails, it is completely okay, normal and healthy to cry. You’ve been left vulnerable, and thus, upon being left alone, you feel deserted and shattered. The one you loved so much, the one who made you feel so complete for some time has left you and you feel so empty inside. You have every right to cry. That is the healthiest way to release your pain.
However, one should know when it’s already time to stop crying. There is such a thing as crying too much. For pete’s sake, he/she is not just worth your tears! It may sound bitter, but it will help you feel better. There is no sense in crying if it only makes you feel worse. If there are no more tears falling voluntarily, then it’s time to stop.
There is always time to start again, to love again. It is never too late. Your ex might not have been the right one for you, but that only means that there is another one out there would love you more and who would complete you even more fully than your last one. You do not have to indulge in self-pity. Besides, being single is not that bad. Just think of the perks of singlehood. You would get to be with your friends more often again, and you’d get to flirt again. Think of happy thoughts with him/her, and treat every bitter moment as a lesson for your next relationship. Moreover, think of how much you’re better off without him/her (bitter, I know, but still, you have the right to be so).
There’s no way to go but forward after a break-up. It’s time to pick up your shoes, wipe your tears away and face the world with a smile. Who knows, the next one might be looking at you right now.
10. Learn to accept the fact that some things are just not meant to be.
This has got to be the most important lesson in love (and in life) that one has to know. There are some things that shouldn’t be, and for whatever reason, we should know that there’s no other thing to do but accept it. If you’re not meant to be with someone, you will not end together, no matter what you do. You can force someone into being with you, heck, even marrying you, but you can never force someone into loving you. In the same way that you cannot teach yourself to love someone even if your mind wants to. This lesson integrates everything that I have tackled so far – about falling in love, about loving truly, and about letting go. Sometimes, goodbye is the most painful way of saying I love you. This lesson does not only hold true in love, but in life as well. It is related to the essence of being a good sport, of being able to accept defeat in a graceful manner. Some things are meant for you, and some things are not. Be thankful with what is apportioned for you, and do not be envious of others who have more than you, because God has greater plans for you.
I am a very firm believer in destiny. Although I also believe that man still holds the power and will to choose, destiny would bring people either closer together or farther apart. I believe that there is someone who is destined to be my partner, my life, my everything. But that thought doesn’t stop me from loving. I have loved, I am loving, and I will continue to love until I die. Because it is through loving that we live. Because it is through loving that we become human.I want to conclude everything I’ve said with a popular quote: “If you love someone, set him/her free; if he comes back, he/she is yours. But if he/she doesn’t, then it wasn’t meant to be all along.”
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